Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
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