We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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