someone owes me an orgasm
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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