Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
