I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I smell like Dick and happiness
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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