if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
