Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
