what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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