I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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