I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Actions speak louder than pants.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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