I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
