3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
