but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
