Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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