you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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