I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
