ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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