Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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