Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
