Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
