My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
