now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
