Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
