About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
