After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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