Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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