My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
