A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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