I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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