On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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