Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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