I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
