the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
