Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
