Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
