She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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