I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
