I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
