Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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