he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize