I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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