Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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