She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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