I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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