he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
