I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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