I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
