I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
so much tequila, so little girl.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
