Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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