I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
