Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
