So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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