I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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