I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize