i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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